Your core values show up in what you already do, not in a list you scroll. A 30-minute exercise works backward from real moments: three times you felt most yourself, three you resented, and one decision you keep avoiding. A value only counts once you can name the last time you acted on it.
A core value is a way of living you keep choosing, even when it costs you something. It is not a word you admire from a distance. If you have never given anything up for it, it is probably an aspiration, not a value you already hold.
Why a core values list gives you the wrong answer
Every word on a typical core values list sounds good: honesty, growth, freedom, connection. That is exactly the problem. When every option sounds good, choosing between them becomes a matter of taste rather than evidence, and taste tends to pick the word you would like other people to associate with you.
Values picked from a list often describe who you want to be seen as, not who you already are on an ordinary Tuesday. That is not dishonest, it is just how the brain works when given forty flattering words and no evidence to sort them by.
A list is still useful, just later. Once you have found a value through evidence, a list can hand you the exact word for it. There is nothing wrong with reading a list, just do it after the exercise below, not before.
The 30-minute values exercise, step by step
This exercise works backward from real moments instead of forward from a word bank. You need 30 minutes, paper or a notes app, and a timer. Set the timer for each step so you keep moving instead of polishing.
| Step | Time | What you do |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | 8 minutes | Write three moments in the last two years when you felt most like yourself |
| 2 | 8 minutes | Write three moments you resented or kept replaying |
| 3 | 6 minutes | Finish the sentence ‘what mattered here was…’ for each of the six moments |
| 4 | 5 minutes | Group the repeats, keep the three or four that appear in both lists |
| 5 | 3 minutes | Run the evidence check: name the last time you chose that value over convenience |
Write the actual scene in steps one and two, not a summary. Where were you, what were you doing, who else was in the room. A vague memory produces a vague value, so push for the specific afternoon rather than a general pattern.
In step two, name what was being stepped on in each resented moment. Resentment is often a value being ignored rather than a character flaw in the other person, which is why these moments are just as useful as the good ones.
By step four you should have three or four words or short phrases that showed up more than once, ideally in both the good list and the resented list. If nothing repeats, go back and write a seventh and eighth moment rather than forcing a pattern that is not there yet.
Step five is the one most people skip, and it is the one that matters most: if you cannot name a specific time you chose that value over something easier, mark it as an aspiration for now rather than a confirmed value. That is not a failure, it is useful information about where you actually stand today.
Six questions to ask yourself when the exercise stalls
If the moments do not come easily, these six questions reach values from a different angle. Pick one and sit with it for five minutes rather than answering all six quickly, since a fast answer tends to repeat the first flattering word that comes to mind.
- What do you defend without being asked?
- What do other people do that irritates you out of proportion? Irritation often marks a value being violated somewhere nearby.
- What did you say no to recently, and what were you actually protecting?
- What would you still do if nobody ever found out?
- Which part of your week would you fight to keep if something had to go?
- What are you tired of? Naming what you are tired of is often the fastest route to what you want instead, and start with what you’re tired of walks through that move in more detail.
These questions are not a quiz to finish in one sitting. One honest answer, written out in full sentences, is worth more than six quick ones typed into a notes app between meetings.
How to tell a real value from a borrowed one
A borrowed value is one you picked up from a parent, a former boss, an industry, or an audience, rather than one you arrived at yourself. Noticing this is information, not a failure: most people are carrying at least one value that was handed to them rather than chosen, and it usually took years to even notice.
Three tests separate a real value from a borrowed or aspirational one. The cost test asks what you have actually given up for it. The private test asks whether you still act on it when nobody is watching. The recency test asks you to name a specific date or week you last chose it.
| What you wrote down | Borrowed or aspirational if… | Yours if… |
|---|---|---|
| Honesty | You say it matters but soften hard truths to keep the peace | You can name a recent time honesty cost you something comfortable |
| Freedom | You admire people who have it but have never rearranged your week for it | You have turned down money, status or convenience to keep it |
| Family | It is the expected answer in your family or culture | You protect specific time for it even when it is inconvenient |
| Growth | It sounds good on a resume but you avoid anything uncomfortable | You can point to a recent choice that was harder because you picked growth |
| Security | It is what you were taught to want, not what you have tested | You have chosen the safer, slower option on purpose and do not regret it |
Values can change as circumstances change, so this is a snapshot of where you stand now, not a verdict on who you are forever. A value that was borrowed five years ago can become genuinely yours once you have paid a real cost for it.
What to do once you have three or four values written down
Write each value as a sentence with a verb, not a single noun. ‘I choose work I can explain to a twelve year old’ tells you more, and is easier to check a decision against, than the bare word ‘clarity.’
Values based decision making works by holding the decision you are avoiding against each value sentence and seeing which option survives contact with all of them. If a choice fails two of your three value sentences, that is useful information even if it is not the answer you wanted.
The goal behind a goal is a related move: ask what you would actually get if you got the thing you say you want, then check that answer against your values. Someone chasing a promotion might find the real goal is respect, or room to think, or simply being asked less often to justify themselves, and each of those points to a different next step than the job title does.
Pick one small test this week rather than planning a life overhaul. A single decision, held against one value sentence, tells you more than a weekend of reflection.
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If the question behind all this is really about work, work that fits you goes further into applying values to a job decision specifically. For more on matching values to work choices, Designing Your Life is a reasonable next read.
Where values fit with the rest of figuring out what you want
Values tell you how you want to live. They do not, by themselves, show you where the gap between that and your actual daily life currently sits. the wheel of life exercise is built for exactly that: it is free, takes about fifteen minutes, rates eight areas of life both now and ninety days from now, and the result stays in your account so you can come back to it.
If you want to go further than a single exercise, the course Know what you want has three modules and fourteen short video lessons. Every lesson includes an exercise that an AI coach reads, asking follow-up questions until the answer is actually clear rather than just written down, and the AI coach is included for twelve months with the course. It covers finding the values that matter, turning what you are tired of into what you want instead, and the goal behind a goal, which is exactly where this article stops.
This is training, not therapy. If the stuck feeling you are working with involves depression, anxiety, trauma or burnout, that belongs with a doctor or a therapist, not with an exercise on values.
Frequently asked questions
What are the 5 most common core values?
There is no single official list, but words that come up often in values exercises include honesty, family, growth, security, and freedom. Common does not mean yours: a word only becomes your value once you can point to a recent moment where you acted on it, not because it appears on most lists.
What is a value sorting exercise, and is it worth doing?
A value sorting exercise has you rank or narrow a long list of value words down to a handful, usually by repeated elimination. It is worth doing as a vocabulary step after you already have evidence from real moments, since sorting alone tends to surface words you admire rather than words you live by.
How do we develop our values in the first place?
Values form gradually from upbringing, culture, significant experiences, and the people and environments you spend the most time in. They are not fixed at birth and they are not entirely chosen either, which is why checking a value against your actual behavior matters more than deciding it should be true.
How many core values should I have?
Most people find three to five values that actually show up across different areas of life once they write down real moments and look for repeats, rather than starting from a list. More than five usually means some aspirations have mixed in with the real ones, which is fine to notice but worth separating out.
What if my values conflict with each other?
Conflict between values is normal and does not mean one of them is fake, it usually means a specific decision is forcing a trade-off between two things you both care about. Naming the conflict directly, for example stability against adventure, is more useful than trying to rank one value permanently above the other.
How do I know if a value is really mine and not something I was taught?
Run three checks: the cost test (have you given something up for it), the private test (do you still act on it when no one is watching), and the recency test (can you name the date or the week you last chose it). A value that passes all three is yours right now, regardless of where it originally came from.
Not sure what you want yet?
The free wheel of life takes about fifteen minutes. You rate eight areas of your life, see where the gap is and keep the result. It is the first step of the course Know what you want, and it costs nothing.
This article was written with AI assistance and checked by Dustin van de Sande.
Ready to work on what you want?
Start with the free wheel of life: in fifteen minutes you see where you are and where you want to go. Want to turn that into a goal you will keep, with an AI coach? See the course Know what you want.